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I'm losing myself

my interest in almost everything is dead. Very hard to motivate myself. I can barely get the energy up to pretend-smile.

My anxiety is off the charts most of the time.
I don't like work.
I am unhappy at home.

And, I am soooo tired of most of what's going on in fandom.

I am so bloody sick of the immaturity, drama, mediocre writing, and excruciating narcissism that I witness all too frequently these days. I am this close to leaving. Which kills me, because I have such great friends here, and I've actually managed to WRITE, something I've always wanted to do. Do I really want to say goodbye? :(

I would at least like to finish my single, lonely WIP before I hang up my hat. It's been hanging fire for months, now, with only two chapters left to go. The trouble is, I can't get myself to start. I can't stand this feeling of fear, anxiety, and apathy. I also hate the idea of leaving things unfinished.

Yes, have started medication. About a week ago (9 days). I know it takes time. I know.

But I need to survive the time that it will take. :(


( 14 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
Feb. 25th, 2014 07:19 pm (UTC)
Thank you, praevarus. Really. THANK YOU. Today is a better-feeling day.
Feb. 24th, 2014 09:59 pm (UTC)
Am almost never on LJ but just happened to see this. Adding another hug to the one you've already received, and am sorry to hear you are struggling with some unhappiness and anxiety. I think most of us creative types have been there at one time or another and some may possibly live there permanently! A break from fandom may indeed help because what you said about what it's like right now is so, so true. Why not take some time off and dream (no work needed) about what you would like to write, or what you would like to accomplish. Just investigate, think, drift. It's what I do when stressed out and so I can attest that it usually helps! No pressure, just daydreaming!
Feb. 25th, 2014 07:20 pm (UTC)
Great advice, mister_otter. Thank you. :) :)
Feb. 24th, 2014 10:37 pm (UTC)

why not take a break? it just means stepping back. it doesn't mean you won't come back or would be unwelcome if or when you choose to return. no judgment, no penalty. as for your friendships made through fandom, i'm sure you have other means to stay in touch outside the fandom sites.

if only it were this painless to step back from other parts of life! but just deal with things one hour at a time. one hour's manageable, right?
Feb. 25th, 2014 07:20 pm (UTC)
One hour at a time. I can do that. Today's a better day.
Thank you, dors. :)
Feb. 25th, 2014 12:58 am (UTC)
Oh, I'm sorry you feel so low. LOVE to you.

Step back from fandom if you need to, without any guilt. Before you and your therapist begin to sort things out/make progress with medicine and talk, there is no reason to worry about that WIP. It will still be there when you're feeling better. As will fandom, if you want it. If not - I've got your email and you won't lose me nor many of your other fandom friends. Who else will flash back to all the same memories when I say the words "Draco" and "towel"? ;) Or "unicorn"?

I'm like you, it that, fandom got me to WRITE, to focus. But it's okay to focus on other things to get healthy and happy.

Draco. Towel. Unicorn.
Feb. 25th, 2014 07:22 pm (UTC)
Thank you, captain. For everything.

Mmmm. Towel.

Feb. 25th, 2014 01:24 am (UTC)
Taking a break may not be a bad thing. You can lurk/dabble on your own schedule, poke at your WiP without a single foot-pound of pressure, and read what you want with zero commitment. Or do none of those things at all and simply daydream. :)
The fandom, and your friends, will all be here when/if you decide to return.

Feb. 25th, 2014 07:22 pm (UTC)
Feb. 25th, 2014 04:39 am (UTC)
Love love love love love.

Hang in there, and know that we care.
Feb. 25th, 2014 07:23 pm (UTC)
*Thank you* Today is better. You have helped. :)
Feb. 25th, 2014 05:17 pm (UTC)
Sincere wishes for your peace of mind, in or out of fandom.

The longer I've spent in fandom, the more carefully I find I have to navigate it and spend time in spaces that are good for me and stay away from those that are not.
Feb. 25th, 2014 07:23 pm (UTC)
Thank you, and I think you say wise things. Careful navigation and some avoidance is called for, I've decided.
(Deleted comment)
Feb. 27th, 2014 02:56 am (UTC)
Aw, bunney. Thank you. *hugstight*
( 14 comments — Leave a comment )